Welcome to PERSONAL MONOLOGUE. This is just yours truly unleashing whatever things running on his mind. Maybe that is just an excuse for him to sharpen up his creativity and writing skills.

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Dear Diary,

In three days time, it will be my and my love's third anniversary. I should be all happy because we had gone this far and still together despite the perils. Instead, I've gone all angry, going all raged up on the road whenever I'm holding the steering wheel. 

Then it hit me - it would have been the third anniversary... if I and my love are still together. Unfortunately, God's fate had intervened in the journey and made him calling off our relationship. That is why I always think to myself that 2018 is my life's darkest year. Losing someone who once said that he trust me was a pain struck right on the heart. 

I still cannot believe that what started out as a job opportunity for him to pursue his photography interest can lead to a relationship breakup. I honestly never thought that the day where we were reduced to just being best friends would come. It was and still is today far too much for me to take. 

I still remember all the details on how the breakup happened. It was me just chilling at my mum mother's house somewhere in Kedah browsing the Internet. At first, I just sent him a naughty pic of Gon and Killua from HUNTERxHUNTER with naughty messages to him via Messenger. He said that he's not that comfortable with it and I was like, "Alright". It was only a few minutes after that where I received a totally different message from him, and I never prepared myself for it at all. 

He told me that he want to call off our relationship saying that he's not ready to carry the full responsibility of being a lover. Furthermore, he went on to tell me about his thoughts when he stayed at my family's house in Kuantan. He said that it was a vastly different culture that he cannot reconcile. He even asked me to read Jordan Peterson's 12 Rules of Life book and concentrate on the chapter that talks about "cleaning your room". 

Eventhough I didn't let out a single cry when he sent those messages, the same couldn't be said for my heart. I feel sad and angry at the same time, thinking about how everything had gone wrong so fast. I even had reached to a point of blaming my own mum for this to happen. Her talkative, "sociable" attitude made me think about the relation to the breakup, but I had to let that thought go because I have no solid proof whatsoever to hold the argument. 

But as time flies, I began to analyse with meticulous details all the words he said to me, and it all began to make sense. He said that he didn't want to get more hurt from the one-sided relationship, and he couldn't more right than that. From there, I began to realize that the problem wasn't the culture itself to begin with. In fact, there's nothing wrong with the relationship itself or him. No, the problem was the one I had overlooked: MYSELF. 

Ever since I had finished my Industrial Training, I am yet to secure a job at that time. I still remembered me calling him on New Year's Day of 2018 telling him about travelling the world together. I also remembered his reply: If you didn't get a job, don't say that to me. At that time, I kept a promise to him to get a job. Moving forward a few weeks later, I saw an advert at Freelancer.com about a Photographer job at Club Med Cherating Beach Resort. Since I am a photography enthusiast, I jumped in and ask the person in charge (PIC) about the advert. Sure enough, I was at the resort on early February for one-week probation. After the probation ends, the PIC asked me to contact him if there are any other people who are interested in the job. Unsurprisingly, I only think of one person: My love. 

And so, in April 2018, my love arrived at Terminal Sentral Kuantan. I couldn't explain in words the delight to see your love coming at your hometown. After I brought him straight to the resort, he asked me about the night's accomodation. Instead of a hotel, I invited him to my family's house. This was... undoubtedly the BIGGEST mistake I had done in my life! Little did I know that it would have a catastrophic effect on our relationship. 

Perhaps then, that is why I always think of Cherating and my family's house in Kuantan as a cursed place for me. There are so many 'What if...' questions boggling the mind. What if I didn't bring him to the house and stay at the hotel? What if I didn't invite him to Kuantan? What if I didn't tell him the job offer in the first place? Our relationship would certainly still be going forward and we would still be together to this day. 

But then, no amount of "What if..." questions can bring back the time. You only have one shot. If you did it right, it would be a triumph to your life's happiness. If you did it wrong, it would or could be your life's worse nightmare. But then again... I believe in God's Fate. Surely, He wants me to see something that I have overlooked. 

It will not be an easy ride for sure, but a change is necessary for me to restart the broken relationship. He said that I don't need to change myself for him, but honestly speaking my dear? It's hard for me to agree to it. Would you date me again with the old me? I doubt it, seriously doubting it. No one wants to have another chance if the couple or one of the partners didn't change for the better. 

If you happened to read this, my dear love, I would like to give a hearty thank you for the breakup. You gave me the answer that I needed to see. Now, it's all up to me to change the whole picture. Time to stop playing that Zan Efron and Zendaya or Anne-Marie and James Arthur's 'Rewrite The Star' song and listen to something much, MUCH more positive! 

Wait for me, my dear love. I'll be right back as soon as I had finished fulfilling all of my sweet promises to you. 😊

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